There’s Always Option Three

Dear God – How do I deal with all this uncertainty in my life right now? I’m unsure of this… I’m unsure of that. I’m scared. I want to trust you, but its hard.

Dear Child – The answer is, get up each morning and simply ask me… “God, what do you have for me TODAY? And move in that. Be in that, really in it. Without fear, without hesitation. Live it. Embrace it. Watch me move.”

What a rollercoaster “today” I had. I started with a great amount of peace. By 10 AM I was already wound up like a top, ready to spin out of control. Lovely. Got nothing truly productive done all day… but I did pray and journal a lot, so maybe instead of feeling guilty, I’m to realize that’s just what my “today” was supposed to look like. I sent an uncomfortable email and then gave up and went home. I went on a walk and really got to connect with nature. That was cool. I then headed to my dinner plans, and on the way, got an uncomfortable email from someone else… and started to churn again. But then spent the rest of the evening in the company of a few great ladies that so blessed my heart and an amazing conversation with one that offered so much encouragement and healing… I was overwhelmed. Then… just so God could chime in that he was so pleased with our entire conversation and our intentions and determination for him, he surprised us with a song, you barely ever hear on the radio anymore, that we had exactly been talking about, with great meaning, moments before. There is no way I have enough faith to believe that was by accident!! That was God, saying… “I’m here. I’m with you guys. I’m in this with you. I love you and am proud of you… and its going to be ok. Don’t worry. I got it.” I headed home with an entirely new perspective… and was practically floating.

The details of our conversation are actually not at all important. In fact, her’s and my current life circumstances are quite different, even from each other. But one thing is the same… for the two of us… and many of you. We want to make choices aligned with the heart of God. We often don’t know what to choose or what to do and we just want to scream and run in fear, avoiding decisions all together. We’re overwhelmed with emotion. Our hearts want what we can’t seem to have and we seem to be pointing towards what we’re not sure we want.

Two profound thoughts came out of this I’d like to share… 1) There’s always option three, and 2) We must simply pray for God to turn our hearts to what he wants us to embrace.

As was talked… both of us were going back and forth on two options. I want this with all my heart, but its not working out and probably isn’t best for me anyway. What if I hold on to it and its not right? Or do I want this other thing? I’m not sure I do. Maybe I do? We feel like we have to choose… because to not choose, to us, means ending up with nothing at all. But what if there’s an option three? What if we have to surrender option one and two completely to God… so that he can bring option 3? Can we be strong enough? Can we give it all into his hands… option 1, 2, and the thought of 3, just be in the thing… and see what God does?

And as we’re trying to live in this thing, one day at a time… the prayer of our hearts must be… “God, develop my heart in the direction you want me to go. If you want me to pursue option 1, grow my heart steadfast in that direction, no matter what people, or logic, says. But if you want to bend me away from option 1, I want to be open to that. On the flipside… option 2, that I’m not so sure of… if that’s what you want, bend my heart that way. God I am open. And if its three, give me the trust, the patience, to move away from both 1 and 2, even if it means being without and being thrust into further unknown for a time, so that you can bring me to three in your good time.”

Music continues to be so powerful to me lately. I already mentioned the blessing of the song we heard after our chat. It was actually Bizarre Love Triangle from New Order in case you’re curious. But then I got in the car… and each song that came on, seemed to add further affirmation and weave together a message for the night… (don’t miss the conclusion at the end! skip to it if you must.)

Excerpts from “Redeemer” by Sanctus Real
Sometimes I just wanna start over, Cuz everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, Cuz I can’t see what’s ahead

And there are places I’ve wished I could be, Battles I’ve wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands, I may never be back again

But I’m still a dreamer, A believer
Oh, I lost my faith in so many things, But I still believe in You
Cuz You can make anything new

I don’t have every answer in life, But I’m trusting You one day at a time
Cuz You can make a weak heart stay alive, Forever
And this is where heaven and earth collide
I lift my hands, I give my life, This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I’m still a dreamer, Still a believer
And You are the answer
The Redeemer
Cuz You can make anything new
Yeah, you make anything new

Excerpts from “The Real Me” by Natalie Grant
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You’re turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

Excerpt from “Safe” by Phil Wickham
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
‘Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

~~~ And then I heard two other songs back to back the other day… as if they were ministering to me in where I am, wanting me to be secure, and wanting me to move into all the joy and strength God has for me… and I’m reminded of them tonight… for me and all those I love…

Excerpt from “Someone Worth Dying For” by Mikeschair
You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
Feeling like it’s hopeless
Maybe you’re the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you’re the girl thinking you’ll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
And I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody’s asking

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I’m not just some wandering soul
That you don’t see and you don’t know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

You’re worth it, you can’t earn it
Yeah the cross has proven that you’re sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

Excerpt from “More Than Fine” by Switchfoot

When I wake in the morning,
I want to blow into pieces.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

When I’m up with the sunrise
I want more than just blue skies.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

I’m not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
I’m not giving up, giving up, not backing down.

More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.

When I’m wet with the sunshine.
I want more than just a good time.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

I’m not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
I’m not giving up, giving up, not selling out.

More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.
More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~Well friends, I have no idea what tomorrow holds. But tonight, I will sleep in peace. God has at least three options and he will bend my heart toward the best. He can redeem anything. He knows the real me. I’m safe in his arms. I’m entirely worth dying for… he already did, I’m not just some unknown soul floating out there. And I’m going to be so much better than fine… b/c I’ve decided I will.I know I will. And I’m excited for tomorrow!

God: Giver or Taker?

Here is an important question for you to ponder with honesty: In your relationship with God… do you view God as more of a giver… or a taker? The answer to this question will frame your perspective of God, his character, and how he relates to the issues of your life. Beth Moore posed this question in a recent study called “Inheritance”. She asks “In your heart of hearts… and in your darkest darks… what do you really think is God’s character… giver or taker?”

If we view God as a giver, we will trust him. We will know that everything will be ok, even when we can’t imagine how it will be. We will believe that EVERYTHING is for our good. We will persevere and prove faithful, and God will bless that kind of love and trust in ways we can’t even fathom. But if we view him as a taker, even the slightest trials will cause us to run from God, curse God, and try to take control. We’ll think it’s on us to take care of ourselves, fix ourselves, and watch out for our best interests, even though half the time we may not know what those are! It will also cause us to think that it’s on us, to protect and save everyone around us. That’s a lot of pressure! We end up with great anxiety and might actually miss God’s blessings in it… and miss him proving to be protector, provider, rescuer, etc.

The enemy of course wants us to see God as a taker. From the very first days of Eden, the enemy convinced Adam and Eve that God was withholding something from them. God had given them EVERYTHING and yet, the enemy prodded “God is not good. He does not love you. He only wants to control you. And he’s holding out on you.” This is the same trap we fall into today. Yes, some of us have endured unbearable losses. But why do we fix our entire perspective of God on these losses, ignoring all the amazing blessings he’s lavished on us?

I have endured much loss in the past ten years. Two most recent stick out to me and I still grieve them. And yet, what God has GIVEN me through those losses is pretty profound. I had spent a lot of time cursing God for taking… although now blessings are STILL unfolding.

Matt Redman has a song that I often think of in times of loss. It says “You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed by your name.” This is good theology. The world is not about us. It’s complicated and God has to work everything out to a lot of people’s good and his glory. We have to have realistic expectations and when things are going south, still praise God. A relationship is not real when it’s conditional. I cannot only love God when he is blessing me. How ridiculously selfish would that be (though it’s often my inclination)? When I sing this song, I sing it with clenched teeth. I sing it with determination because it’s hard to praise God in loss… but that may be when it’s the most important, so that we don’t lose perspective of who God really is, in the bigger picture.

That line from the song is based on Job. Job had everything taken away from him. We can’t even imagine the amount of loss that Job experienced. And it was all to prove that Job would stay faithful. Job’s wife told him to curse God and die. But he would not. Yes, early in the book Job says “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.” But this was not the end of Job’s story. God accomplished what he had to in and through Job, and then gives again. Job’s faithfulness was not dependant on God’s giving. He was faithful before he ever knew God would restore. But it says that God blessed the second half of Job’s life even more than the first.

You see, the Lord gives. The Lord takes away. But the Lord always GIVES BACK IN ABUNDANCE! His glory is seen in his love, in his goodness, his mercy, and what he gives. Our relationship, our love, cannot be dependent on what he does for us, but on who HE IS. And yet, point of fact, it is his very nature to give.

If you scan the Bible, there are loads of verses that talk about God being a giver. Scripture says he lavishes on us grace and love and mercy. Matthew 7:11 talks about how God LOVES to give good gifts to his children. Romans 8:32 says “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” God loves to love. And to love is to give. Let’s look at another example of God giving, taking away, and giving back…

God had made a promise to Abraham: His descendants would outnumber the stars. Abraham waited until his 90s for an heir to be born. This was a miraculous child on which it appeared the entire promise lie. But then God did something crazy. God asked Abraham to give up Isaac, his precious son, his treasure. The NIV reads: “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” Wow – Really? God finally gave Abraham what he’d wanted his whole life… and now he’s asking Abraham to willing give it back? “You son, your only son, whom you love…” This was the most precious thing in Abraham’s life… except for God himself.

I could spend pages and pages on this story, as oddly I’ve heard messages on this story more times in the past eight months than in my whole life… but I want to point out something new that Beth Moore shared in her message.

If you look back into the original Hebrew, you see an additional word “na” that the King James and the NASB translates as “please” or “I pray”. Beth Moore explains that this is a word that is not often used and may be why it is dropped in the NIV. However, it’s an extraordinary word and each time it’s used (only five times in all of scripture) it is used in powerful context. God is actually saying “take PLEASE Abraham, your son, your only son that you love…” God’s emphasizing the importance of what he is asking Abraham. It’s as if he’s saying “Abraham… this is really important and you just have to trust me. Please do this; I pray you will, even though it may not make sense to you.”

Beth points out that Abraham was not against questioning God. He’d done it several times before. But this time he doesn’t. There must have been something both in the urgency of God’s request as well as the where Abraham was in his relationship and trust with God that just didn’t require question. It doesn’t necessarily mean it was going to be easy, but he believed the goodness of God and that God would somehow work it out. Abraham believed that God was a giver, not a taker.

In hindsight, we know it was a test. In fact, this story is the most quoted story on testing of faith in all of scripture. But Abraham didn’t know it was a test. He just believed God and did as was asked of him. By doing so, he got to see God keep a promise. He got to see God as provider. He got to see how far he’d come in his relationship with God. He saw so many amazing things that he would not have seen, had he chickened out. And all of this would have still been true even if he’d had to slay his son. God showed to be giver in letting him keep his son. But even if he hadn’t, he would have shown himself giver in some other way. God loved Abraham and wasn’t screwing with him. He had to test him to know he was up for the tasks he had planned for him, and that he was fully devoted, willing to give up everything. And he was rewarded for it. He not only got his son back, but he got far, far more.

God loves you too and is not screwing with you. You may be Job, having suffered substantial loss and waiting for it to turn around. You may be Abraham, where God is asking you to give up for him something as precious to you as life itself. I personally am in the midst of both. But you have to believe, that God is a giver, not a taker. He loves you. He loves those you love. And he will NOT disappoint. Hold on and TRUST.

I’m going to conclude this with an assignment for you… and a favor for someone I love.

Your Assignment – Work through the following questions:
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being taker and 10 being giver, how do you view God? What situations in your life have caused you to view him this way?
2. Think back on any situation that caused you to view him more as a taker. What other lies did that situation cause you to believe about God or yourself? Ask God to reveal these and replace them with the truth of who he is, how he loves you, and what he’s been/done in your life. Where possible, find scripture on this and write it on note cards as necessary to remember.
3. Look at that situation again. Prayerfully ask him to reveal to you any and all blessings that may have already come out of those circumstances. How has he redeemed the situation? Praise him for what he reveals.
4. Look at what’s going on in your life today. What Isaac do you need to entrust to God remembering that God is a giver, not a taker? Release it to God and commit to trust him in the situation.

The Favor I Ask – I have someone in my life who is so convinced God is a taker, that this person won’t/can’t accept the truth of Jesus and its breaking my heart. I’m literally losing sleep over it. This person feels the pain of situations past and holds it against God, but the discontent this person experiences today, is all the more evidence that Jesus is needed more than ever. I would be so grateful if you could join me in praying for this person. Let’s just call this person “S.G.”. God knows the full name and all the details of the situation. Pray for break through. Pray this person would be released from all the lies that are currently being believed. Pray this person will see Jesus clearly, feel His love, and receive Him and all He has to give. And pray however else the Lord leads. He’ll tell you. Thank you!!!!

Footnote: Much of the content for this blog is attributed to Lesson 2 of Beth Moore’s study “Inheritance”. I strongly encourage you to check out this study. It’s fabulous!

What Does it Really Mean to “Guard Your Heart”?

I keep coming back to the same verse: “… and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”. There’s so much meat in this verse, but today, I want to talk about a particular piece – “guard your heart”.

It seems to me, the best way to protect ourselves in this world, in relationships, jobs, dreams, whatever, is to keep our expectations in check. We’re told to “guard our hearts”. But are we perceiving this in a scripturally accurate fashion?

There are two verses people often quote with regard to guarding one’s heart. The first is Proverbs 4:23. In the NIV it reads “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”. The King James and the NASB, however, choose a slightly different word than “guard”. NASB says “watch” and KJV says “keep”. And we must remember that in the Hebrew, “heart” actually means far more than the seat of our emotions. It’s our mind, our soul, our inclinations, etc. When we consider this, and look at the verse in context, it’s not telling us to guard, in the sense of how we might use this word in modern English. It’s not to tell us to clamp down, be closed off, walled apart… it’s just telling us to be wise. Solomon is imparting wisdom to his son and is telling him to remember his words, embed them in his heart and try to keep himself from going astray. It means that we should pursue the truth of scripture, such as that God loves us, is trustworthy, and is for our good, so we make wise decisions. I don’t believe it means we’re to tense up in self-protection.

If we only consider this first verse, we may be inclined to actually forget the truth of God’s ways, his sovereignty, and his love, and take too much into our own hands. We’ll try to desperately control our environment, and every thought and emotion, thinking we’re doing the right thing. We are told to take every thought captive, but here’s where that, in excess, falls apart and ceases to be of God… How much angst and stress are you putting into trying to figure out how to guard your heart? How crazy are you making yourself trying to figure out what to do and not do, so that you won’t get disappointed or disappoint someone else? That is not God’s will for you. God wants you to trust him, be in the moment, and seek his wisdom and guidance ALONG the way… not build a fortress around you so you can’t experience anything! Do you realize that if you guard your heart too much… you may actually miss what God has for you? You may entirely sideline his will and plan because you’re too busy protecting yourself. We need to learn to be ok with uncertainty and just go with it, maybe even open our hearts up a little, remembering that God is good no matter which way things go.

This is where we bring in the second verse. Philippians 4:6-7… reads “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This is a little different than in the first verse and they have to be taken together. Here, it is God’s peace that guards your heart. It is a work of God… not a work of you. God doesn’t want us to live in anxiety and worry. And uncertainty sure causes this, doesn’t it? But instead, God wants us to lay our requests at his feet, thank him for who he is and what he’s already done… and leave it at that, knowing he’ll continue to be good in the future. We don’t pick it up again. We let the peace of laying it down, guard our hearts. This submission is based on that constant insistence that God loves us and is for our good. I’ll say it 1000 times, because it IS the most important thing for us to EVER understand. God loves us with an unmeasurable love. God loves us so much in fact, that we may not get our way, because he knows better. He will do what is for our good. Pray this deeply into your heart. Confess and release all your fears that are keeping you from this truth in the wholeness of your life. That is where you’ll find peace and how your heart will be guarded in a way that you can experience all God has for you, in wisdom, joy, and grace.

You see… the enemy wants us to miss out on all the good things God has by getting us to worry and doubt. Some times we need to sit in uncertainty when we want to RUN!!!! But if we run, we will miss God. We will miss what he wants to show us in the situation, things he wants to teach us, ways he wants to bless us, and ways he wants to use us to bless others. God just wants us to believe him and go with it. He wants us to have the freedom to experience what he has for us without fear. That may mean living in a lot of uncertainty, but don’t wall yourself up to avoid getting hurt. Just be at peace, let God be God, and take it all one day at a time.

Where might you be wrestling with expectations today? Is it a struggle at work? A living situation? A family situation? A relationship that you just don’t know which way it’s going to go? Release it. It’s going to work out exactly as God has planned and it WILL be good, any which way. Just enjoy today. Enjoy God. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the uncertainty with great expectations of what God will do through it. Submit to trusting God, ask him for discernment in wise actions, and leave the rest to him. Remember, his ways our not our ways, so we probably won’t be able to figure it out anyway.

AMEN!

A New Battle Weapon: Worship

Two years ago Easter time, I wrote a blog, called “When Unanswered Prayer is Good“. It was about the blessings that can actually come out of the answer “no” to things we so badly want from the Lord. I read it a few days ago, and was again reminded that going to the cross was not Jesus’ first choice. He was willing, for the glory of God and out of love for us, but he knew what lay before him and that it wasn’t going to be pretty. Though fully God, he was also fully human, and in anguish asked the Lord to provide another way.

“They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me.” Mark 14: 32-36a

It says he fell to the ground. He was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. I wonder if we’ve heard this story so much, that we’ve disconnected with the emotion of it… the pain Christ was feeling spiritually and emotionally. He asked the Lord to take it from him. How often do we ask the Lord to just take our pain from us? We ask God to change his mind. We ask God to just end it, make it go away, stop the difficulty, or at least release our hearts. Jesus knows those feelings intimately. In fact, our situations are rarely as dire, so no matter the situation, we must acknowledge, that Jesus gets that kind of pain.

The week started with Jesus as a celebrity. How quickly things can change. By the end of the week, we was being tried for sins he did not commit. He was about to be crucified, a most heinous way to die. I’d have been a little more than confused. I’d have been frantic, upset, desperate to change my circumstance, prove they were wrong, but not Jesus. He had eyes to bigger things and fully trusted his Father. Even knowing this was coming, he says one more thing at the end of his pray in Gethsemane… “Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:36b.

I had some trouble sleeping this morning. Thoughts and situations reeling through my mind, trying to figure out what to do… asking the Lord to take some struggles and unwanted emotions from me. The funny thing is, that all this emotion was just hours after a huge blessing He had provided. (Tell you about that in a minute.) Frustrated, I thought about this blog and asked that Lord, “What do you really want this to be about?” His answer was “Worship.” We get our minds all wrapped up in our stuff. Big and small. We know even how to think. As I’ve been sharing, I’m finding huge victories lately in identifying the enemy’s lies and holding onto truth. But there’s still some angst. We have emotions and thoughts we just wish God would take away. Worship has been the theme that keeps coming up. Praising God for all he is, the truth of it, for his love, what he’s done, redirects our brains to a more peaceful place. However, it may have even more power. When we identify the lies of the enemy, we do battle. But when we worship out loud, we force him to entirely flee the room! He can’t be in the presence of a heart fully focused on the Lord and praising.

I lay there on the table, awkward and contorted. My entire body is tense. The doctor asks me to tip my head back even further, as he prepares the needle. He thrusts the needle into my throat as I try not to wince… or panic… or cry. I can feel it inside me. It hurt a little. He pulls it out, and briefly, I relax. He looks for the second tumor… tells me to tip back again. This one took longer… and hurt a little more. I did wince. And swallowed (not bright to do during a biopsy), and then it was over. “We’re done. You can sit up and we’ll be back in a few minutes,” the doctor says as he leaves with the specimen. He closes the door and tears I was holding back began to flow… and the enemy began to fill my head. But I would have none of it for a change. I began to pray outloud and declare every truth I could think of about God’s love for me. How he’s blessed me. That he is for me… and he works all things to my good. I will not understand everything. And some of it may hurt. But things are no different right now than they were a week ago and will be no different should the doctor return with bad news.

That was my day yesterday. The results were benign. No cancer. I get to hold onto my thyroid a little longer and I’m so thankful. The point though isn’t that I got the result I wanted. The point is, in those moments where I didn’t know what would happen, I insisted that it would be ok either way. I’ve walked besides people who got results that weren’t good. But strength is actually found in praising in spite of these things. We can worship our disease (or sin or other circumstance)… let it consume us. Or we can worship our God, and trust in his love for us. Yes, I am also reminded of this this morning. And so I stop… and take some time to worship.

Jesus didn’t receive the answer in which he wanted. God said he had to proceed. He had to be abused, take the beatings, and hang on the cross. I’m sure thankful he did, aren’t you? Not only are we freed from all our sins and transgressions, but it gave us the ability to witness a strength in our savior when he was determined to trust God, trust in his love, his mercy, his goodness, and want to submit for His glory, that we should draw from in our own times of difficulty, whether large or small.

I want to stress… even when small. Yesterday, was big. A cancer scare is nothing to sneeze at. Because it was big, I knew I had to focus on God or I’d go out of my mind with fear. This morning’s angst, much smaller. Maybe silly even. Because of that, I’m not sure it was my initial instinct to fight it the same way. However, maybe that’s when it’s all the more important, because those little things the enemy can pile up to make it as if it’s a big thing and cripple us from enjoying our God, our lives, and everything else out there for us. 1 Peter 5:8 says “The enemy is prowling like a lion looking for someone to destroy”. He gets in, in the little things. Don’t be fooled.

How are you preparing for Easter? No, no… not the sprucing up of the house and yard, the cleaning, the cooking, etc. How are you preparing your heart? Where are you not trusting God and need to? What do you need to hand over to him? Where are you letting the enemy convince you that God is not for you? Are you ready to start fighting back? There is a God that loves you who’s greatest act of love we celebrate this week. How will you embrace it differently this year? How will you worship today? It may seem counter-intuitive. When things are bumpy, worship isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. But it may be the best medicine.

Two more quick things… As I was preparing this… I read Hebrews 12. I feel led to say that maybe some of you need to read this today. Good stuff. Hebrews 10 and 11, not so bad either. And if you’ve any interested in reading “When Unanswered Prayer is Good” my older blog I mentioned at the start of this one, you can find it here: http://livingbyfaithblog.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/when-unanswered-prayer-is-good/

Body Pump and Spiritual Growth

I give one more solid press and then let the barbell fall back down on top of me. I lean over toward Gene “Why does this NEVER seem to get easier?” He replies “I know! As soon as we think we’re starting to get it and it’s getting comfortable, we’re either told to increase the weight or they change the whole routine!” It occurs to me, that this exercise class is becoming a brilliant analogy for my spiritual life.

Body Pump is an aerobic barbell workout, 60 minutes of intense cardiac and muscular torture. It is ALWAYS hard, but the results are phenomenal. The strength I’ve gained from it, the definition, and the weight loss has been awesome. But it hasn’t been easy, EVER. Isn’t that how spiritual growth feels some times? Life can be a series of difficult lessons, trials, and challenges. Just when you feel you’re getting your footing, there’s more bad news, another tragedy, or additional struggles to navigate.

As I thought about it, God put James 1:2-4 into my head: “Consider it all joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Those are some powerful statements, even if difficult. We should be able to see past our struggles to the amazing work God is going to do through them. He is maturing us, so that we will be made complete. He wants us to lack NOTHING. But to do this, we have to go through trials, and trials of many kinds. We have to have our faith tested. An easy, comfortable life will not grow us. In fact, we could say it’s actually a prescription for atrophy and boredom.

Looking at other versions, the NKJV says “…the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work…” Or the NASB says “… the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

These versions talk about patience and endurance… two things we hate, frankly. But these things are working out God’s perfect result. The opposite of what we want, is making us perfect.

The Message says “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”

I’ve said many times, that the last three years have been tremendously difficult, painful. And that season started with three immense challenges in my life hitting simultaneously… and my faith, under pressure, was shown very weak. My true colors weren’t pretty. I lacked identity in Christ, so I derived identify through performance, controlling my environment, and frankly trying to control what others thought of me. But no one can sustain any of those things under that type of pressure. It was under that pressure that God forced me to turn to him, and lay everything down… so he could rebuild me.

There were times that I was so close to giving up, literally ready to walk away from Christ, even as recent as a few months ago. I’d scream out to the Lord, that I was done. I was tired of him. I was tired of feeling let down and abandoned. I’d read James 1 and all I’d feel is that “Lord, whatever you’re preparing me for, I don’t want it. If this is the preparation, what you have in store can’t be good.” And then the Lord challenged me to an exercise. I went on a retreat, and he asked me to bring my journals from the last three years. Over the course of three days, I’d read, in my own words, all that the Lord has done, what he’s changed, prayers he’s answered, blessings received, how I’ve grown, how very much he loves me, and how he was maturing me. The enemy had been such a liar… He told me got didn’t love me and was withholding many good things. But God was doing beautiful things all the while, but it had to be done, through amazing trials, intensity and number of trials, that no one would dispute as hard, yet even that, shows how much the Lord was loving me. He saw so much potential in me, and we wanted me to grow.

Now Virginia is not the only place, beginning to see Spring. After three hard years, spring is finally arriving in my own heart and life, and I am grateful. I am watching these verses come alive… perseverance finishing a good work in me, preparing me for what’s next. Strengthening me to be used and give glory in everything I am and do. But just to be clear, it’s not because the whole world has magically aligned for me. Even as I contemplated this, I received more bad news, but I’m strangely ok. Even those around me notice a new trust. There’s nothing I can do about the situation. I know God loves me and he has this fully within his control. A year ago I would have panicked and freaked out all weekend. But this weekend, I chose to hand it over to the Lord… and spent more time smiling and laughing than I have in months. My Father is GOOD. And some bad news doesn’t change that. I used to think it did. I was wrong. We have to look for the end of the story and stop being so temporal.

I must share, by way of tribute, that one of the reasons I’ve been so contemplative this week, is that today marks the two year anniversary of Amy Knapp’s death. If you don’t know Amy, Amy was a dear friend and mentor to me. She was an amazing, godly woman, adored by all who knew year. Just short of three years ago, Amy was diagnosed with liver cancer. Within a year, she went home to be with Jesus at the young age of 41. No one understood. It just seemed tragic and awful. But as I write, I am listening to my little budding church, just a year and a half old, born as a direct result of her illness, worshiping the Lord in freedom. I look around the room, and see a handful of amazing women, that I got to know better during that time, who have been a blessing to me that I could not have even imagined. I think of how we all grew, how the Lord used that, and think of Amy looking down and smiling, full of joy for us.

Her death was not in vain. My other struggles have not been in vain. Your deepest hurts, frustrations, and tragedies have not been in vain… your tears have not been wasted. They are all part of an amazing, even if difficult plan, for you to come to maturity, so you can love and be loved freely… so you can serve… so you can experience joy without all the chains that once bound you. That you can sing, and dance, and laugh, knowing that pains of the past were always in the Father’s careful hands, even as he cried with you. But now he’s either bringing you spring, or he will soon. I promise.

Music continues to really minister to me lately. So I have another new song for you. If you’ve not yet heard it, you MUST. It’s “Blessings” by Laura Story. It may just be through pain, and tears, and sleepless nights… that God is working out his perfection in me… and you. Hold on.

Blessings ~ Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Peaceful Rains

Have you ever just listened to the rain? We complain about rain, but it’s beautiful, refreshing, peaceful. We also complain about the rains of life… but even in them, we can find incredible beauty, refreshment, and peace.

I’m feeling a peace today that I haven’t felt in some time and I think it’s because I’m letting go of more and more, and simply sitting in trust of the Lord and his extraordinary love for me. When he’s prompted me to act, in obedience, I’ve gotten some courage to do it (even when I don’t like it and/or even if it’s VERY uncomfortable). That’s important. We have to be open to correction, either from God himself… or from the gentle words of loving friends. And when he’s prompted me to sit still (and stop meddling in and trying to control my own life!), I’ve been able to stop, listen, and see all he’s doing that illustrates his love for me, and that he’s incredibly trustworthy. When I sit in a posture of trust, I’m not distracted by my own fears… and the enemy’s voice is silenced. I can see more clearly that God’s fingerprints are everywhere on my life and I’m humbled and excited by all he’s already done and what I’m seeing him continue to do. I am a very different person than I was two years ago… and its because he’s been with me as I’ve stood in rain.

Three verses are resonating with me today. May they bless you too and give you the strength and courage to rest and listen to the Lord. Do you realize how much he loves you? Do you realize all he wants from you is your fellowship?

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

Actually, all of Isaiah 26 is brilliant. I strongly encourage you to read it. But the gist is this… peace is achieved through faith, through trusting God. As we trust him, we are able to be obedient. And in pursuing righteousness, learning this from the Lord, we find all the more peace. Why? Anxiety originates in the need to take control. But if we trust the Lord, are wholly surrendered, not distracted by fear, broken dreams, and mistreatment of others… if we can trust him in all these things, we’ll hear him, live as he wants us, and in his presence, we’ll find amazing peace.

The Blue Letter Bible presents “steadfast” in the Hebrew to be the word “carnak”, which means to lean or lay upon, to rest upon, to support. The Lord wants us to rest in him and stop listening to the lies the enemy is feeding us, lies that God is not trustworthy. God is doing beautiful things, yes, even in trial and hardship, right in front of you. Maybe even more so there, for its in the fire that we are refined. Lean in.

“Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.” Psalm 119:165

The problem with lack of trust is that it causes us to do stupid things. We fall prey to idols, addictions, coping mechanisms, anything that will help us get what we think we want or need. But we’re sabotaging ourselves. We’re grabbing on to things that aren’t what God wants or has for us, meanwhile letting pass by all he does. I was reminded a few weeks ago that when we’ve got two arms wrapped so tight around one thing, we can’t reach out for anything else. Oh how true that has been for my life! I grasp for inferior things out of fear God will give me nothing at all. All the while, God is trying to give me and show me beautiful things that I’m COMPLETELY missing. I’ve been convicted lately of some of my own sin of falling prey to idols out of lack of trust. Lord – May I grow in trust and love of your law so I stop causing myself and others to stumble! For I know then, when my heart is steadfast in you, I will find your peace. Living in your will and trusting you gives me peace. Beating against the wind and striving to make this or that happen, gets me no where.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

Why would God’s peace transcend, or exceed, all understanding to us? It’s because his peace is based on his ways and his ways are not our ways. God doesn’t think like us. His methods, approaches, timings are not always intuitive to us. But they are FAR better. We can’t lean on our own understanding; we’re flawed. He can see what we can’t, and has control to maneuver in a way not even conceivable to us. He can move us from point A to B for our own good without any effort at all. And in this, if we let him, he gives us all wisdom. Our hearts are the seat of wisdom, wise decision making. We need God’s peace, drawn from trust in him, to protect our hearts and enable us to make sound decisions. He’s given us sound minds, but our thoughts are corrupted by our fears and insecurities. Proceeding Phil 4:7, scripture instructs two things… pray… and be thankful. Prayer enables us to lay our worries at God’s feet. Thanksgiving changes our heart to believe God is good, no matter the circumstances. In that type of submission and faith, we receive peace. We also become nibble enough, quiet enough, to hear from the Lord. Worry is like noise in our heads. Peace allows God to reveal himself.

Yesterday morning, I realized I’d left my glasses at church Sunday night. I get desperate headaches reading or being online without them, so going the day without them wasn’t an option. I initially saw this unplanned road trip as an inconvenience, but no sooner had the thought passed through my head, did God speak: “I make no mistakes. I create no worthless moments. I have something to share with you, right now, on this drive, that had you just been working as usual, I could not have shared with you.” I felt led to put on 105.1 to a sermon so consistent with some of what the Lord is trying to teach me, I almost crashed my car! He talked of inheritance. He talked of surrender. And a few other things I won’t share… but so cool. I’m seeing more each day, that my God is in even the smallest detail of my life, and is making extraordinary efforts to fellowship with little ‘ol me… and show me how very, very much he loves me. And in that… he gives me his peace. Sweet stuff.

Are you looking for the Lord in the littlest moments? Are you listening when he whispers sweetly to you? Are you receiving him as he tries to draw you close? Are you humbling yourself in surrender so he can do a good work in and through you? What are you to set down today to find his peace? What idols or coping mechanisms will you be willing to give up to get his peace? Where might you have to act to reduce the anxiety caused by sin and idols in your life?

I heard Beth Moore say the other day, that good teachers have to be good students. Yes. And good writers need to be good readers… appreciating other’s words, thoughts, encouragement, and challenges. I heard a new song on my Pandora today that would have caused me to fall to my knees in truth and praise, had I not been at work. It reflects so much what I’m feeling right now, consistent with all I just wrote. Inheritance. Surrender. God’s amazing love. Don’t you just love themes? You think God’s trying to make a point? I’ll close with the lyrics.

Its called: “The Only Thing That’s Beautiful in Me” by Rush of Fools.

Just like the ocean waves
You crash on me
Just like a tidal wave
You ruin me
Just like a hurricane
You devastate everything that needs to change

CHORUS

You are the only thing that’s beautiful in me
Beautiful in me
You are the only thing that’s beautiful in me
Beautiful in me

Just like a mountain peak
You life me up
Just like a desert stream
You fill my cup
You are the blood that covers me
You cover me

CHORUS

And all I can say is thank you, thank you
And all I can say is thank you Lord, thank you
And all I can say is thank you, thank you

CHORUS

Are you looking for fulfillment in the wrong places?

(as originally written, 2/10/10)

This morning as I looked at the snow, sipped my coffee, and turned on my tunes, I was called to a particular song by Tim Hughes called “Take the World”. Tim sings “The World is not enough for me… take the world, just give me you.” I was struck to ponder that a while.

The world is full of many good things, for which I am so thankful. But compared to God’s love and grace, the relationship and guidance he offers, it just isn’t enough. The world is inconsistent. The love of imperfect people, too often flawed. Due acknowledgement and justice not always found.

But what do we most often want when we feel our lives, as they are, are not enough? We want more of the world! We want more money and material things, more excitement and experiences, more acknowledgement in the workplace, more human acceptance, friends, a spouse, children, etc. We want the same changing and unreliable things that caused us to want in the first place. That’s flawed!

When we seek the world for our fulfillment, we only find ourselves disappointed. We can never get enough, and often the very things we turn to, will cause our very undoing. God however, wants to fill us, protect us, love us, sustain us, sing over us, comfort us, teach us, heal us, provide for us, and so much more. He is consistent in this. This is always available to us. When we want more, when we want change, we should be crying out to God, “God, I want more of YOU! MORE!” because then, as the world remains imperfect, circumstances change, pain, grief, or sickness come, we still have everything.

A term I’ve become familiar with lately is the “false self”. This is the version of us we create to hide our pain and brokenness, to protect ourselves, and be found more acceptable to others. It’s all based on our human effort, striving to hide and put forth a certain image. In time, we not only remain in the state that caused us to rise up the false self, but now we’re very tired too, which can lead us to further sin and pain as we seek escape, through other idols and addictions (media, alcohol, food, sex, etc.). We have to lay down the false self and allow God to call forth our “true self”. The true self is us as we were meant to be. Here our brokenness is healed by God, not hidden. Our shame is removed, and we become free to love ourselves. We become fully acceptable, just as we are. We realize our identity merely as God’s children is enough, and all the quirks he created us with, are precious. Our idols and addictions slip away because we don’t need them to self-sooth anymore. We don’t need recognition, we don’t need the human acceptance (so we no longer fear unacceptance), and we don’t need the world.

“You could take the world, just give me you,” Tim sings. In another song he writes: “God in my hoping. There in my dreaming. God in my watching. God in my waiting. God in my laughing. There in my weeping. God in my hurting. God in my healing. Be my everything. Be my everything. Be my everything. Be my everything.”

A good friend commented earlier this week, that we so often yearn for down time, but then when we get it, we get bored and just want to be busy. Maybe it’s because we don’t know how to be still. We don’t know how to sit with God, so we take the world instead. We’re scared to let go of our false selves, believing that God is not trustworthy to heal our hearts, that we’re not worthy of him, so we have to protect ourselves. That’s a lie! He wants to take all you’re willing to give him.

This day, enjoy your snow… and take some quiet to just sit before your God and let him love your true self. I dare you to ask “God, I want more of YOU. MORE!” and see how he answers.

Ideas for “Wrestlers”

I had intended my next blog on wrestling to be an analysis of a biblical characters wrestling, but God apparently had others plans. Instead of researching, I’ve spent the last week talking, comforting, and praying with many who are wrestling. Several are either in, or on the verge of, some pretty significant depressions and at their wits end seeking guidance.

You may be another one of those. If you are, this is for you. If you’re good, this might seem a bit heavy, but save it for when you might need it. Life is hard, and we all will at some point.

Ok…There are no formulas, no right or wrong ways per sae to wrestle with God (well, as long as you have the right heart, as I spoke about in my last blog). Its about sticking with it, being honest, being open to how God may reveal himself and putting yourself in a posture where he can. Its important to not shame yourself for thinking or feeling what you do, but instead taking it to God and working through it together.

But how do you do that? Here are my favorite ideas I’ve personally found most useful…

The Graffitti Room – My housemate just moved out. I have an empty room! I’m a very visual person and one who benefits from getting emotions out, so they can be processed. Some times I can’t even get my head around whats going on inside me until its out, either verbally or in writing. I have to give Jennifer Banman the credit for this one, but she recommended I go get some flipchart paper, cover the walls of that room, and start writing. I created one wall for venting. I use that wall to tell God all the reasons I’m hurt, upset, and even angry at him. (Guess what? He can take it!) I assigned another “Blessings and Truths”. We have to remember the positive, force ourselves even, or this world will eat us up. Another wall I listed the people and things I’m praying for. That’s how I started. But then after a while, they just became what I needed them to be each day… a place to get things out, whether verses or truths I wanted to hold firm to, and make real by putting them in writing, or pains that I had to expel. I forced myself to not even question what was coming out, just write, write, write whatever came to mind. Then I’d sit back and read and give it all to God. I’d sit on the floor or lay on the bed and just ask God to speak to me through it all. You may not have a whole room to do this, but maybe you can find a wall somewhere and get it out!

Journals and Letters – Ok… so maybe even part of a wall is a little much for you, but you still need a way to get your emotions out so you can name them and process them. Journaling is a great way to vent where no one else need ever see. So are letters. If you need to, write angry letters to God, angry letters to family, angry letters to friends… and then pray over them… and then destroy them as you give them to the Lord. Or, make it positive. Are you tired of accusing God, accusing yourself, accusing others? Write a love letter to God. Write out who or what you’re thankful for. Write down all the things you love about yourself, the good things others have said about you or you recall from God’s Word (to fight all the guilt and those horrible thoughts that might be overwhelming you as you struggle). Think of some of your favorite people. Send them a card and tell them why they’re important to you. They just may need the boost too!

Truth/Lie Cards – I must give credit for this idea to our dear sweet Amy. The enemy loves to fill our head with lies. Lots of lies aimed toward destroying what we think of God, ourselves, our circumstances, and others. But the bible holds truth. Amy liked to keep spiral booklets of index cards with verses she was referring to and/or memorizing. Great technique just in general. But I stumbled on one where she explicitly wrote the lies the enemy was feeding her and then on the other side, scripture truth she’d found to counter it. It was awesome. Go ahead and write on index cards (one per card) all the negative thoughts going through your head, all the condemning, shaming, self loathing thoughts about you, your past, your present, your future, your loved ones, God, and then find out what God says about the same things. Again, the key is honesty. Don’t question what you’re writing. Don’t tell yourself you can’t write it because a “good Christian” blah, blah, blah. Write it. Then find at least one piece of scripture, preferable three, to counter each lie. Carry them around with you and start memorizing so you’re armed when the enemy attacks.

The Ministry of Music – I know a lot of this seems like hard work. What if you just don’t have any energy? When I get too exhausted to do much more, I listen to Christian music and ask God to minister to me through it. I ask him to bring the right song that will communicate to me in just the right way, as if he’s using the lyrics to sing specifically to me. I personally listen to “Top Christian” on AOL radio in the office and The Message (32) on XM radio in my car, but anything “random” will do, so the Holy Spirit can move through it as he sees fit. Reading the Book of Psalms is also good; these are Davids songs (and a few others). They’re very powerful and an easy read when you’re spent. Start at Psalm 1 or just ask God to lead you and flip around. All scripture is useful, so even if you end up reading one that doesn’t seem to fit, be secure God can and will still use it. You’ll find through music and psalms, God will refresh you. You may even begin to praise.

Get Your Butt in Church – There may be many reasons you don’t want to go to church right now. Too many people. Not enough energy. Too emotional. Mad at God. Etc. But you need to be in an environment where you can hear God’s Word taught. If you’re not comfortable going to your regular church, go to another church where you can be anonymous. Or watch church online. Try www.mcleanbibleintenet.org at 9AM and 11:45AM on Sundays or www.frontlinedc.com/internetcampus at 5:30PM. Try listening to sermons online, such as Charles Stanley or Chip Inghram (to name just a few). Don’t just bail. To bail is to run, not wrestle. God loves you and doesn’t want you to run from him. He will be with you through this, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes for you to feel right with him again.

Refuse to Isolate – Now we all know (or should) that church isn’t just about singing and listing to the sermon, but its also about building community with other believers. You have to connect with other believers or you will be left defenseless against the enemy. I wrote a blog on this a while back if you want to check it out. I know the world can seem overwhelming when wrestling with the Creator of the Universe and the easiest thing is to retreat from everybody else. But the enemy loves this. He loves to isolate you, to fill you with lies, making you feel more alone, more worthless, more down. I will guarantee you, that if you don’t pick at least two or three people to love, encourage, and support you through this time of wrestling, you will be consumed and land in an ugly depression. Be willing to be honest with these people. Commit to asking them when you need help. Have them commit to not let you fall off the radar, to check in with you regularly, and get you out of the house for some fun.

Well. I’m going to stop there. I think that’s some good stuff to get you started. There are loads, loads more, and I welcome anyone to contribute to ideas or methods on how you progress through wrestling (versus just running away). I will post a few more in a few days. Enjoy your time with the Lord!

Wrestling With God

Two days ago, I was sent an article by a very respected Christian writer who writes “to wrestle with God is unbiblical”. Well, that sure challenged the blog I was working on. My position thus far has been that I believe it is ok to wrestle with God. Can I support that opinion biblically?

It is my desire, that I not only communicate the lessons that God is teaching me, but that I teach you how to test your opinions (and mine and other’s) through God’s Word. I also want to teach you how to communicate effectively, to be sure when speaking of scripture you articulate what you really mean, as well as understand what another is really saying, before determining it truth or error. We must be determined to seek out truth above all else, even if its not what we want to hear. This is especially important for me as I teach, as I know I will be held accountable for any lamb I lead astray. So here we go. Be sure to read to the end, as the story of this exercise may conclude differently than it initially appears.

Step 1: Understand the Meaning of Words

Webster’s has many definitions for “wrestle”: 1. to contend by grappling with and striving to trip or throw an opponent down or off balance 2. to combat an opposing tendency or force 3. to engage in deep thought, consideration, or debate 4. to engage in or as if in a violent or determined struggle.

In the NIV version of the bible, the word “wrestle” is used only three times. Two references are in regard to Jacob in Genesis 32:34-35. Here the Hebrew word is “abaq” also translated to “grapple, pound, make small”. (I’ll speak specific to this passage in a later blog). The third occurrence does not appear in either the King James or the NASB translations, but instead the same phrase is translated “take counsel”. That’s interesting.

Three out of four of Webster’s definitions are a determination to beat an opponent. The use of the word in the Bible (abaq in Hebrew) has a similar meaning. My brother was a wrestler in high school. His goal in each match was to win points against his opponent and eventually, defeat him. It was not friendly. (let’s just put aside the other meanings for now)

Hmmm… Ouch. On this basis, with this intention, with this attitude of heart, I must conclude that it is NOT biblical to wrestle with God. If it is your intention to wrestle against God, in hopes of proving a point, changing his mind, being right, you are setting yourself up for complete disappointment and frustration. You will not win when wrestling against God. To take on God with hopes of throwing him off balance, going against him in combat, making him small, only shows arrogance. This is what many nations did in the Old Testament and you know what happened to them. Israel herself tried to do this with God and that didn’t work out too well either. If this is your heart, your intent, I’d think twice.

(but don’t stop reading!!!)

Step 2: Understand Context of What is Being Said

But wait! That’s not the attitude of my heart at all (any of you that know me can validate that). I don’t want to conquer him. In fact, I want to work through things with him, so that I grow, so that I come into a greater trust and understanding of him in my life. I want to release the hurt I feel and get through it, move on to a whole new level of relationship with him, deeper intimacy, and ability to be used. Very different.

I could say then that my use of the word “wrestle” is more like Webster’s third definition. Or it could be interestingly consistent with the use of the third occurance in the NIV, to seek counsel. I believe that would be ok, given the attitude of my heart.

Or I can look at it in a totally different way all together…

As I began to pray through this, God revealed great things. He brought me to verses on the brokenhearted, verses on crying out, verses on how he wants to save me, fight for me, carry all my burdens. (see verses at end)

And then he told me this…

“You do have an opponent, against who you wrestle. And its not as easy as just saying it’s The Enemy. You are wrestling against all the pain, disappointment, and discouragement that you are feeling from many hard and real events in the past several years. You are wrestling against them consuming you, filling you with fear, and causing you to doubt me, yourself, and the future. I am in fact, your partner in this wrestling match. I wrestle these things WITH you, side by side. Some of this battle is yours, as you need to express yourself, learn and grow in a few areas, conquer some of the lies that you must stop believing. But in the end, it is mine, and as I always have, I will be victorious for you.”

Why then does it feel like I’m so angry at God in this? If he is my partner, I must trust him. But I’m really struggling in my relationship with him through this.

And then he spoke again…

“My child, it is because of your great faith and your great love for me that you struggle in our relationship. You know that I have the power to have changed or prevented many of the pains with which you now wrestle. And you don’t understand. You’re hurt b/c you view me as a partner who has let you down. But you are determined to work it through with me. You are not like the Israelites who walked away to other idols when they didn’t get they’re way. You love me and so are trying to reconcile all this in your heart.”

Step 3: Draw a Conclusion Supported by Scripture, Arrived to in Prayer

Its true. I’ve learned like Peter, when asked “will you too leave?” that there is no where better to go. Peter responds, “to where else would I go?” As hurt as I am, I’m not about to give up on God. I’m determined to sort it out, figure it out, actually improve our relationship through it. If I believe God is who he says he is (which I do), I have no other choice! Do I, really?

Right now I am privy to several marriages who are going through difficult times. I’m so blessed to witness that several are fighting for their relationship. They take the commitment seriously and no matter the hurt caused by either party, they’re trying to get through it. Its taking a lot of communication, honesty, even yelling, time, healing, forgiveness, prayer, support of others, but they’re making progress!

The same is true with us and God. If this is truly a relationship, not a religion, it will have tense and difficult times. But how will we react? Will we ignore him? Will we walk away? Or will we do the work, believing that relationship is beautiful and important and worth saving? I choose the latter. You?

Step 4: Determine How it Applies to You and/or Those You Love

Some of you may worry when your friends struggle with God, struggle in their faith. You shouldn’t, as long as they’re living up to the commitment they’ve made and aren’t giving up. Encourage them to fight for their relationship! The worst things you can do, fall at either end of the spectrum. You could avoid them and the situation. Don’t do that. They need your love, your support, your prayers, even if all you ever do is check in from time to time to let them know you care. Or you could be prone to challenge them, tell them to get over it, bible-beat them with how they should think and feel. Gosh, don’t do that either. They need to work this out and process through all they’re thinking and feeling with God if they’re really going to move forward. Don’t get in the way of the process.

There has been a lot of honesty between me and God in the last few years. There’s been a lot of tears. And in the end (him being perfect and all), its me that has to make changes or come to be ok without all the answers. But the love that he’s showing me through this is having such a profound effect, like Hosea and Gomer (eventually), that its making me want to draw close to him. I know at least two people so pleased by that.

I keep wondering what Amy would say, watching me struggle so much, especially as this recent “crisis” was prompted by her death. You know what? I think she’d like it. I can hear her saying “Anj, I love it. Out of this, you will have an even more authentic and deep relationship with God. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for any of you… that you come to know him each day in new and profound ways, and fall further in love with him all the while. What more he’ll be able to do through you. Keep with it. Don’t give up. You’re beautiful in his sight.”

I’m so sure she’d say that. She’s said similar in the past. That comforts me (I’m not nuts) and gives me confidence to continue. And God’s already said similarly…

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1Peter 1:6-9

My faith is of greater worth to God than gold. So would he not be pleased by anything that grows our faith? Maybe so much of what has happened is just so it could.

If you are wrestling WITH God, side by side, I stick with my original position – I believe that is fine. If you are working out normal struggles in your relationship with God, that is fine. Being honest in communications through that process is not only fine, but essential. Yet so is the willingness to grow and even submit in certain areas as called.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to stay in scripture and continue this topic, sharing with you some examples of how different bible characters went through similar processes with God. Stay tuned!

In the interim, I pray for all you reading this and your battles. I pray this brought you encouragement. I also have another blog on the Brokenhearted if you’re interested. And below are some of the resources and scripture I used to develop this analysis/blog.

Blessings!

Scripture Alluded to in This Blog

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:13-14

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:67-69

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.” Psalm 34:17

“Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.” Psalm 55:17

The Book of Hosea (you might enjoy this whole book, found late in the OT)

Romans 8:18-39 (you have to look this one up yourself)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

““The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame. At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes,” says the LORD.” Zephaniah 3:17, 19-20

“I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.” Psalm 16:7

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

“You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.” Psalm 73:24

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.” Psalm 119:76

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.” Psalm 112:7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” 1Peter 3:15

Bible Resources

www.biblegateway.com (to look up scripture by verse or keyword in various translations)

http://www.blueletterbible.com (to look up scripture and view original Greek or Hebrew translations as well as other occurrences and meanings of words in various translations)

http://www.merriam-webster.com (English definitions)

Prelude to Wrestling with God

I’m working on a piece now, maybe two, on wrestling with God, as that’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks… and am still. Until then, I want to give you a few tidbits of how God is speaking to me.

First off, I must say, it IS ok to wrestle with God. He’d far prefer you ask questions, even scream and shout, and work it through with him, than walk away in pain and discouragement. God is really using music to get through to me these days. Below are three songs he’s used to speak to me lately. You may be doing some of your own wrestling right now. If so, I pray these too will bring you encouragement.

From: God To: Anj (and anyone else wrestling)

Sticking with You by Addison Road

Come on, it’s me you’re talking to
there’s something going on inside of you
don’t have to say it, but i wish you would
cause it would be much easier
You always hide behind yourself
you walk a lonely road with no one’s help
I hate to break the news
you’re headed for a fall
And if I have to jump
then I’ll jump
and I won’t look down
you can cry, you can fight, we scream and shout
I’ll push and pull
until your walls come down
and you understand, I’m gonna be around
I’m sticking with you
Even if you try and shut me out
I’m staying here ’cause that’s what love’s about
I might let you down, but I won’t let you go
So lean into me, I want to know
Everything about the fear you hold inside
’cause you and I are better off than just one so
Chorus
If that’s what it means to love you
If that’s what it means to have your back
If that what it takes to show you
Then I’m in, I’m in

Anjanette thinking in response…

Wait and See by Brandon Heath (excerts)

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

From: Anj (in response) To: God (and for those wrestling)

Someday by Nicole Nordeman

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there’s still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it’s the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I’m ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can’t help but wander
And dream about the other side

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

Every puzzle’s missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday