Ideas for “Wrestlers”

I had intended my next blog on wrestling to be an analysis of a biblical characters wrestling, but God apparently had others plans. Instead of researching, I’ve spent the last week talking, comforting, and praying with many who are wrestling. Several are either in, or on the verge of, some pretty significant depressions and at their wits end seeking guidance.

You may be another one of those. If you are, this is for you. If you’re good, this might seem a bit heavy, but save it for when you might need it. Life is hard, and we all will at some point.

Ok…There are no formulas, no right or wrong ways per sae to wrestle with God (well, as long as you have the right heart, as I spoke about in my last blog). Its about sticking with it, being honest, being open to how God may reveal himself and putting yourself in a posture where he can. Its important to not shame yourself for thinking or feeling what you do, but instead taking it to God and working through it together.

But how do you do that? Here are my favorite ideas I’ve personally found most useful…

The Graffitti Room – My housemate just moved out. I have an empty room! I’m a very visual person and one who benefits from getting emotions out, so they can be processed. Some times I can’t even get my head around whats going on inside me until its out, either verbally or in writing. I have to give Jennifer Banman the credit for this one, but she recommended I go get some flipchart paper, cover the walls of that room, and start writing. I created one wall for venting. I use that wall to tell God all the reasons I’m hurt, upset, and even angry at him. (Guess what? He can take it!) I assigned another “Blessings and Truths”. We have to remember the positive, force ourselves even, or this world will eat us up. Another wall I listed the people and things I’m praying for. That’s how I started. But then after a while, they just became what I needed them to be each day… a place to get things out, whether verses or truths I wanted to hold firm to, and make real by putting them in writing, or pains that I had to expel. I forced myself to not even question what was coming out, just write, write, write whatever came to mind. Then I’d sit back and read and give it all to God. I’d sit on the floor or lay on the bed and just ask God to speak to me through it all. You may not have a whole room to do this, but maybe you can find a wall somewhere and get it out!

Journals and Letters – Ok… so maybe even part of a wall is a little much for you, but you still need a way to get your emotions out so you can name them and process them. Journaling is a great way to vent where no one else need ever see. So are letters. If you need to, write angry letters to God, angry letters to family, angry letters to friends… and then pray over them… and then destroy them as you give them to the Lord. Or, make it positive. Are you tired of accusing God, accusing yourself, accusing others? Write a love letter to God. Write out who or what you’re thankful for. Write down all the things you love about yourself, the good things others have said about you or you recall from God’s Word (to fight all the guilt and those horrible thoughts that might be overwhelming you as you struggle). Think of some of your favorite people. Send them a card and tell them why they’re important to you. They just may need the boost too!

Truth/Lie Cards – I must give credit for this idea to our dear sweet Amy. The enemy loves to fill our head with lies. Lots of lies aimed toward destroying what we think of God, ourselves, our circumstances, and others. But the bible holds truth. Amy liked to keep spiral booklets of index cards with verses she was referring to and/or memorizing. Great technique just in general. But I stumbled on one where she explicitly wrote the lies the enemy was feeding her and then on the other side, scripture truth she’d found to counter it. It was awesome. Go ahead and write on index cards (one per card) all the negative thoughts going through your head, all the condemning, shaming, self loathing thoughts about you, your past, your present, your future, your loved ones, God, and then find out what God says about the same things. Again, the key is honesty. Don’t question what you’re writing. Don’t tell yourself you can’t write it because a “good Christian” blah, blah, blah. Write it. Then find at least one piece of scripture, preferable three, to counter each lie. Carry them around with you and start memorizing so you’re armed when the enemy attacks.

The Ministry of Music – I know a lot of this seems like hard work. What if you just don’t have any energy? When I get too exhausted to do much more, I listen to Christian music and ask God to minister to me through it. I ask him to bring the right song that will communicate to me in just the right way, as if he’s using the lyrics to sing specifically to me. I personally listen to “Top Christian” on AOL radio in the office and The Message (32) on XM radio in my car, but anything “random” will do, so the Holy Spirit can move through it as he sees fit. Reading the Book of Psalms is also good; these are Davids songs (and a few others). They’re very powerful and an easy read when you’re spent. Start at Psalm 1 or just ask God to lead you and flip around. All scripture is useful, so even if you end up reading one that doesn’t seem to fit, be secure God can and will still use it. You’ll find through music and psalms, God will refresh you. You may even begin to praise.

Get Your Butt in Church – There may be many reasons you don’t want to go to church right now. Too many people. Not enough energy. Too emotional. Mad at God. Etc. But you need to be in an environment where you can hear God’s Word taught. If you’re not comfortable going to your regular church, go to another church where you can be anonymous. Or watch church online. Try www.mcleanbibleintenet.org at 9AM and 11:45AM on Sundays or www.frontlinedc.com/internetcampus at 5:30PM. Try listening to sermons online, such as Charles Stanley or Chip Inghram (to name just a few). Don’t just bail. To bail is to run, not wrestle. God loves you and doesn’t want you to run from him. He will be with you through this, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes for you to feel right with him again.

Refuse to Isolate – Now we all know (or should) that church isn’t just about singing and listing to the sermon, but its also about building community with other believers. You have to connect with other believers or you will be left defenseless against the enemy. I wrote a blog on this a while back if you want to check it out. I know the world can seem overwhelming when wrestling with the Creator of the Universe and the easiest thing is to retreat from everybody else. But the enemy loves this. He loves to isolate you, to fill you with lies, making you feel more alone, more worthless, more down. I will guarantee you, that if you don’t pick at least two or three people to love, encourage, and support you through this time of wrestling, you will be consumed and land in an ugly depression. Be willing to be honest with these people. Commit to asking them when you need help. Have them commit to not let you fall off the radar, to check in with you regularly, and get you out of the house for some fun.

Well. I’m going to stop there. I think that’s some good stuff to get you started. There are loads, loads more, and I welcome anyone to contribute to ideas or methods on how you progress through wrestling (versus just running away). I will post a few more in a few days. Enjoy your time with the Lord!

Wrestling With God

Two days ago, I was sent an article by a very respected Christian writer who writes “to wrestle with God is unbiblical”. Well, that sure challenged the blog I was working on. My position thus far has been that I believe it is ok to wrestle with God. Can I support that opinion biblically?

It is my desire, that I not only communicate the lessons that God is teaching me, but that I teach you how to test your opinions (and mine and other’s) through God’s Word. I also want to teach you how to communicate effectively, to be sure when speaking of scripture you articulate what you really mean, as well as understand what another is really saying, before determining it truth or error. We must be determined to seek out truth above all else, even if its not what we want to hear. This is especially important for me as I teach, as I know I will be held accountable for any lamb I lead astray. So here we go. Be sure to read to the end, as the story of this exercise may conclude differently than it initially appears.

Step 1: Understand the Meaning of Words

Webster’s has many definitions for “wrestle”: 1. to contend by grappling with and striving to trip or throw an opponent down or off balance 2. to combat an opposing tendency or force 3. to engage in deep thought, consideration, or debate 4. to engage in or as if in a violent or determined struggle.

In the NIV version of the bible, the word “wrestle” is used only three times. Two references are in regard to Jacob in Genesis 32:34-35. Here the Hebrew word is “abaq” also translated to “grapple, pound, make small”. (I’ll speak specific to this passage in a later blog). The third occurrence does not appear in either the King James or the NASB translations, but instead the same phrase is translated “take counsel”. That’s interesting.

Three out of four of Webster’s definitions are a determination to beat an opponent. The use of the word in the Bible (abaq in Hebrew) has a similar meaning. My brother was a wrestler in high school. His goal in each match was to win points against his opponent and eventually, defeat him. It was not friendly. (let’s just put aside the other meanings for now)

Hmmm… Ouch. On this basis, with this intention, with this attitude of heart, I must conclude that it is NOT biblical to wrestle with God. If it is your intention to wrestle against God, in hopes of proving a point, changing his mind, being right, you are setting yourself up for complete disappointment and frustration. You will not win when wrestling against God. To take on God with hopes of throwing him off balance, going against him in combat, making him small, only shows arrogance. This is what many nations did in the Old Testament and you know what happened to them. Israel herself tried to do this with God and that didn’t work out too well either. If this is your heart, your intent, I’d think twice.

(but don’t stop reading!!!)

Step 2: Understand Context of What is Being Said

But wait! That’s not the attitude of my heart at all (any of you that know me can validate that). I don’t want to conquer him. In fact, I want to work through things with him, so that I grow, so that I come into a greater trust and understanding of him in my life. I want to release the hurt I feel and get through it, move on to a whole new level of relationship with him, deeper intimacy, and ability to be used. Very different.

I could say then that my use of the word “wrestle” is more like Webster’s third definition. Or it could be interestingly consistent with the use of the third occurance in the NIV, to seek counsel. I believe that would be ok, given the attitude of my heart.

Or I can look at it in a totally different way all together…

As I began to pray through this, God revealed great things. He brought me to verses on the brokenhearted, verses on crying out, verses on how he wants to save me, fight for me, carry all my burdens. (see verses at end)

And then he told me this…

“You do have an opponent, against who you wrestle. And its not as easy as just saying it’s The Enemy. You are wrestling against all the pain, disappointment, and discouragement that you are feeling from many hard and real events in the past several years. You are wrestling against them consuming you, filling you with fear, and causing you to doubt me, yourself, and the future. I am in fact, your partner in this wrestling match. I wrestle these things WITH you, side by side. Some of this battle is yours, as you need to express yourself, learn and grow in a few areas, conquer some of the lies that you must stop believing. But in the end, it is mine, and as I always have, I will be victorious for you.”

Why then does it feel like I’m so angry at God in this? If he is my partner, I must trust him. But I’m really struggling in my relationship with him through this.

And then he spoke again…

“My child, it is because of your great faith and your great love for me that you struggle in our relationship. You know that I have the power to have changed or prevented many of the pains with which you now wrestle. And you don’t understand. You’re hurt b/c you view me as a partner who has let you down. But you are determined to work it through with me. You are not like the Israelites who walked away to other idols when they didn’t get they’re way. You love me and so are trying to reconcile all this in your heart.”

Step 3: Draw a Conclusion Supported by Scripture, Arrived to in Prayer

Its true. I’ve learned like Peter, when asked “will you too leave?” that there is no where better to go. Peter responds, “to where else would I go?” As hurt as I am, I’m not about to give up on God. I’m determined to sort it out, figure it out, actually improve our relationship through it. If I believe God is who he says he is (which I do), I have no other choice! Do I, really?

Right now I am privy to several marriages who are going through difficult times. I’m so blessed to witness that several are fighting for their relationship. They take the commitment seriously and no matter the hurt caused by either party, they’re trying to get through it. Its taking a lot of communication, honesty, even yelling, time, healing, forgiveness, prayer, support of others, but they’re making progress!

The same is true with us and God. If this is truly a relationship, not a religion, it will have tense and difficult times. But how will we react? Will we ignore him? Will we walk away? Or will we do the work, believing that relationship is beautiful and important and worth saving? I choose the latter. You?

Step 4: Determine How it Applies to You and/or Those You Love

Some of you may worry when your friends struggle with God, struggle in their faith. You shouldn’t, as long as they’re living up to the commitment they’ve made and aren’t giving up. Encourage them to fight for their relationship! The worst things you can do, fall at either end of the spectrum. You could avoid them and the situation. Don’t do that. They need your love, your support, your prayers, even if all you ever do is check in from time to time to let them know you care. Or you could be prone to challenge them, tell them to get over it, bible-beat them with how they should think and feel. Gosh, don’t do that either. They need to work this out and process through all they’re thinking and feeling with God if they’re really going to move forward. Don’t get in the way of the process.

There has been a lot of honesty between me and God in the last few years. There’s been a lot of tears. And in the end (him being perfect and all), its me that has to make changes or come to be ok without all the answers. But the love that he’s showing me through this is having such a profound effect, like Hosea and Gomer (eventually), that its making me want to draw close to him. I know at least two people so pleased by that.

I keep wondering what Amy would say, watching me struggle so much, especially as this recent “crisis” was prompted by her death. You know what? I think she’d like it. I can hear her saying “Anj, I love it. Out of this, you will have an even more authentic and deep relationship with God. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for any of you… that you come to know him each day in new and profound ways, and fall further in love with him all the while. What more he’ll be able to do through you. Keep with it. Don’t give up. You’re beautiful in his sight.”

I’m so sure she’d say that. She’s said similar in the past. That comforts me (I’m not nuts) and gives me confidence to continue. And God’s already said similarly…

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1Peter 1:6-9

My faith is of greater worth to God than gold. So would he not be pleased by anything that grows our faith? Maybe so much of what has happened is just so it could.

If you are wrestling WITH God, side by side, I stick with my original position – I believe that is fine. If you are working out normal struggles in your relationship with God, that is fine. Being honest in communications through that process is not only fine, but essential. Yet so is the willingness to grow and even submit in certain areas as called.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to stay in scripture and continue this topic, sharing with you some examples of how different bible characters went through similar processes with God. Stay tuned!

In the interim, I pray for all you reading this and your battles. I pray this brought you encouragement. I also have another blog on the Brokenhearted if you’re interested. And below are some of the resources and scripture I used to develop this analysis/blog.

Blessings!

Scripture Alluded to in This Blog

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:13-14

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:67-69

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.” Psalm 34:17

“Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.” Psalm 55:17

The Book of Hosea (you might enjoy this whole book, found late in the OT)

Romans 8:18-39 (you have to look this one up yourself)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

““The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame. At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes,” says the LORD.” Zephaniah 3:17, 19-20

“I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.” Psalm 16:7

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

“You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.” Psalm 73:24

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.” Psalm 119:76

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.” Psalm 112:7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” 1Peter 3:15

Bible Resources

www.biblegateway.com (to look up scripture by verse or keyword in various translations)

http://www.blueletterbible.com (to look up scripture and view original Greek or Hebrew translations as well as other occurrences and meanings of words in various translations)

http://www.merriam-webster.com (English definitions)

Prelude to Wrestling with God

I’m working on a piece now, maybe two, on wrestling with God, as that’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks… and am still. Until then, I want to give you a few tidbits of how God is speaking to me.

First off, I must say, it IS ok to wrestle with God. He’d far prefer you ask questions, even scream and shout, and work it through with him, than walk away in pain and discouragement. God is really using music to get through to me these days. Below are three songs he’s used to speak to me lately. You may be doing some of your own wrestling right now. If so, I pray these too will bring you encouragement.

From: God To: Anj (and anyone else wrestling)

Sticking with You by Addison Road

Come on, it’s me you’re talking to
there’s something going on inside of you
don’t have to say it, but i wish you would
cause it would be much easier
You always hide behind yourself
you walk a lonely road with no one’s help
I hate to break the news
you’re headed for a fall
And if I have to jump
then I’ll jump
and I won’t look down
you can cry, you can fight, we scream and shout
I’ll push and pull
until your walls come down
and you understand, I’m gonna be around
I’m sticking with you
Even if you try and shut me out
I’m staying here ’cause that’s what love’s about
I might let you down, but I won’t let you go
So lean into me, I want to know
Everything about the fear you hold inside
’cause you and I are better off than just one so
Chorus
If that’s what it means to love you
If that’s what it means to have your back
If that what it takes to show you
Then I’m in, I’m in

Anjanette thinking in response…

Wait and See by Brandon Heath (excerts)

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

From: Anj (in response) To: God (and for those wrestling)

Someday by Nicole Nordeman

I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there’s still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when

I believe it’s the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I’m ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can’t help but wander
And dream about the other side

Someday all that’s crazy
All that’s unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that’s hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we’re just waiting
For someday

Every puzzle’s missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday

Always… (Out of the Mouths of Babes)

Evelyn and I have a tradition. When I visit, we pick one night for a sleepover party. Evelyn looks forward to these times when she gets Auntie Anj all to herself. Auntie Anj quite likes them too. Not only is Evelyn a joy to be with, but I’m always blessed by what God teaches me through her.

I woke around 6AM, put on my eye mask, pushed play on my Shuffle, and rolled over intending a few more hours sleep. I forgot I was sleeping with a four year old, ha, ha.

Less than an hour later… “Auntie Anj! Auntie Anj!” She starts pulling at my eye mask, shaking me, and jumping. “It’s morning! Time to get up!” When Evelyn gets up, everyone has to get up.

That’s when she noticed the Shuffle. She stole an ear phone and put it in her own ear and began to rock to the music. I had no idea what song was playing so I began to listen. It was “Always”, by Building 429. Within seconds Evelyn was asking “What is this song about?”

Hmmm… I had to explain a song about God, that I wasn’t really feeling right then. Evelyn has been blessed in her four short years, to have had no reason to learn about grief. She’s had no cause to challenge and wrestle with God. Everything is very simple.

The refrain of the song goes like this…

‘Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

I explained, “The song reminds us God is always with us. Always. Always. God never fails. Even when things are hard, we have to know he still loves us and promises to take care of us.”

“Oh, I like that song,” Evelyn responds. “Always… Always,” she sang as she danced back and forth. She’d sing that song for me the rest of the day. She’d explain the song to Mommy and Daddy, and she’d tell Nana and Grandpa about it too. “God is always with us. Always. Always.”

Was God using a four year old to minister to me? Was Evelyn speaking a word into my life that I’d begun to doubt? God used the accepting heart of a child to remind me of a profound truth.

“But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18:16-17

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b

The last many years have caused me to question God. My head knows the truth, but my heart hurts. I want to return to that child-like faith, but the loss, the heartache, the pain, and the sin of this world makes it hard. Instead, I’m finding, as in any good adult relationship, I have to work it out with God. I have to be honest. We have to talk it through. Grief and healing can be a long and unpredictable process, but God promises to be with us, always, always.

I’m thankful for God’s patience and his desire for us to be truly healed. As Christians, whether dealing with each other or dealing with ourselves, we’re far more apt to put on band-aids then work through the mess. We throw a bunch of verses and platitudes about God at each other and either say or imply that a failure to trust God and just move on is weakness. But the result? We’re never really healed. And we often then add to the pile of hurts, the hurt of the criticism from the very ones we’d hoped would support us. We stay distant from God and each other in our heartache. Unresolved pain can cause us to hide, lead us to sin, provoke us to shame. What good is that?! As if the initial pain and loss wasn’t enough.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

This means come to me with all your hurts, your frustrations, your fear, your anger, your shame. None is too much for God. You don’t have sort it out first, just come.

I want to just feel better and move on. But I’m not just dealing with one little hurt. And several of them are quite complex. I want you to think of me as simple, well adjusted, and quite agreeable. But I want a deep and abiding relationship with my Heavenly Father far more.

Healing takes time. It cannot be rushed. God has allowed things in my life, and in your life, for certain reasons we may not understand, but don’t let your pain be wasted. Work through it with authenticity so you might enter into a deeper rest with Jesus and a deeper knowledge of God.

What losses have you experienced in the last many years? Have you really allowed yourself to feel and process them? Have you allowed your heart to be honest and grieve, no matter how long it takes, ugly it looks, or hard it is? Take that time. Don’t waste your hurt. Draw close to God.

I’ll write more about some of this in the next few days… but until then, I leave you with the end to “Always” (Building 429)…

Friend I don’t know where you are
And I don’t know where you’ve been
Maybe you’re fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you’re crying out for mercy
If there’s no hope left at all
If you’ve given everything you’ve got
And you’re still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

‘Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

The God of All Comfort

What a month it’s been. We’ve laughed. We’ve cried. We’ve prayed. We’ve praised. We’ve labored and we’ve rested. We now try to get back to “normal”. But what is “normal” after loss? Just how long does it take to mourn, to get it all out of our systems? I find in some moments, I do feel things resolving. But other times, I know that nothing will ever be the same and it brings me to a sadness that makes it hard to want to get out of bed and do “normal” things.

We all have things we reach to for comfort. Food, wine, relationships, television, internet, exercise, friends, sleep, cleaning… and those are just what I’ve tried this weekend! The truth is though, especially in our deepest hurts, God is the only one able to comfort us.

I ran a Bible Gateway search on “comfort”. In Ruth 2:13, Boaz comforts Ruth by providing for her needs and taking care of her. In 2Samuel 12:24 David comforts Bathsheba after their first son dies. In Job 2:11, Job’s friends comfort him. In Job 7:13, he looks to his bed for comfort. Many verses speak to where people seek comfort, but several explicitly denote where ultimate comfort is found… God alone is our ultimate comforter. He is even called the God of all comfort.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Why Don’t I Feel God’s Comfort?

I’ve learned a lot about God’s comfort this past year, usually because I didn’t feel it. If God is the God of all comfort, where was he? I thought I was desperately crying out for him. But was I?

In January, while on holiday in New Zealand, I boldly asked God why he’d let me down. I begged him that even if he wouldn’t change any of my circumstances, couldn’t he just be the God of all comfort that he promised to be? I felt no comfort. I felt no peace that passes understanding. His response: “As soon as you stop being mad at me and let me, I will.”

You see, I’d become like a stubborn teenager. I was begging for a hug, but any time God got close, I said “Don’t touch me! I got it!” I was so angry. I was angry at so many things; Amy being sick was only one.

I remember a situation a few years ago. A bird had flown into my parents back porch and gotten trapped. I went to help it, but each time I got close, it fluttered its wings furiously and wouldn’t let me near. It didn’t understand that it couldn’t help itself; it had to rely on me. Only when it fell to the ground exhausted, was I able to gently pick up its frightened little body and free it.

How often is this us? I didn’t realize that I was spending so much time counting God’s offenses against me that I was keeping him at arm’s length. I felt if he really loved me, all these horrible things wouldn’t be happening. Without even realizing it, I’d decided he wasn’t trustworthy so I didn’t want him to comfort me. I’d looked to my idols to comfort me – friends, guys, food –comfort  that only HE can give. It was only when I hit bottom, when I stopped beating my wings, could he come in and comfort me… and he did.

God corrected a lot of bad theology in New Zealand. Bad things don’t mean God is bad; pain is part of this fallen world. He loves me more than I can imagine and wants to be near to me. He has a glorious plan, even when I can’t understand it. He is trustworthy and I need to rely on him first and foremost. Nothing and no one can fill me, satisfy me, and comfort me like he can.

Turning Back to Him

February and March were so different. I had a new capacity to handle the trials of life. I felt God with me and he was comforting me each step of the way. I just had to stop being angry and turn back to him, forgive him in a sense. I mean, God had never left my life; I’d walked with him each day. But that part of me that was angry had put up just enough of a wall to stifle his ability to give me all the comfort and all the peace he desperately wanted to give. That may be the most confusing sometimes. It is possible to be walking closely with the Lord, listening, obeying, studying, praising, and still having just enough of a wall to keep comfort out. Comfort is a deeper level of love, of intimacy, that requires our full trust. We have to throw away all the idols and rest in him alone. He wants to be our comfort and won’t compete with anything.

I must confess, in the past two weeks, I’ve returned to some bit of anger. It is, in fact, a normal part of grieving. We get hurt, disappointed, feel let down, wish something had gone differently, and the result is we get angry at God. Problem is that we long for his comfort the most in these same times. He won’t be able to REALLY comfort us until we forgive him… and let him.

Are you one of the many who are grieving now? Are you longing for comfort? Can you feel God’s comfort? If not, I’d ask you… what are you using to comfort yourself a part from him and are you willing to lay those down? Are you willing to forgive him so he can come close?

Abba Father, our pain is real. Hurt and anger is even natural. But you want to comfort us. Our comfort ultimately HAS to come from you; nothing else will satisfy. In fact, the ways we comfort ourselves, may even give the enemy a foothold to pull us from you. Father, help us. Help us to lay down our idols, lay down our fears, our hurts, and let you in. If we need to forgive you, soften our hearts so we can. We do want to be close to you. Lord, I pray for all my brothers and sisters who read this… Calm them today. Give them that peace that passes all understanding. Be near to them. May we all seek you now, nothing else, more than ever. AMEN

Sitting on the Doorstep of Heaven

I look back on the last month and my heart overflows with both sorrow and blessing. Several of you have asked what it was like in Amy’s last days. I can only describe it as sitting with my friend on the doorstep of heaven. It was like sitting with Amy, between this world and the next, knowing with both hope and fear, that quite soon she would stand up and walk to Jesus.

I cherished those moments, where I would experience our friendship in yet new ways and learn through it about her, me, family, and God. Its through those eyes, that I’d like to share some snippets from that final month. I pray it will encourage and grow you, as I share about my dear friend and teacher.

March 22nd: Amy learned Thursday there is nothing more the doctors can do. I knew that time would come, but was still devastated. I drove her to church that night and was so jumpy I almost crashed. She gently put her hand on my arm and said “Its ok.” My friend, still a little numb herself, was comforting me. I’d only find later that that would be her last time at Frontline. What a joy it was to have that last time to worship with her, as we’d done many times before.

March 30th: We didn’t have small group tonight, but I went to see Amy anyway. We sat and chatted. She’d tell me stories that I’d savor, no matter how long it took her to get them out (she’d begun to struggle in speech). She told me about lessons she learned from God traveling the world. They blessed me. We reminisced of our fun times in London. She had been one of my few visitors. She grew tired and I read to her from Psalms. Each Psalm brought comfort and challenge. David talks so much of death and yet also victory. I never realized that before. That was the night I’d begin to really contemplate death as the culmination of our faith. We had not wanted that for her, but it was coming and she seemed to be growing in peace with that reality. We needed to also. That would be our last extended conversation.

April 6th/7th: The decision was made that someone would sit with Amy 24/7, so she would never feel alone and have every need lovingly met. I had my first overnight shift that night. I arrived with so much I wanted to say, but quickly found it impossible to put into words the impact she’d had on my life. Imagine that – me, speechless. She fell asleep at one point and I just wept. Reality was sinking in deeper. What would I do without the one person I looked up to like no other? I could only pray. Knowing I just wanted in some way to express my gratitude, God helped me show her how much I cared and valued her through serving her. She was in and out of bed a lot and it was hard, but God provided the strength and we were both blessed by that time. At one point she got up and was struggling to stand. I think it was hard for her to need help; she was always so capable and independent. To ease her, I teased her that we were just dancing. When she got back into bed I said “Amy, I know its really hard right now. But soon you’ll be dancing with Jesus. And eventually we’ll join you and we’ll dance together with Jesus.” She said a definitive “AMEN!” In the 15 hours I was there, we may have talked 15 minutes, but what was spoken, through my care and her trust, would fill volumes.

April 9th/10th: Melissa is in town. I’m so thankful for her arrival. We would do that night’s overnight together. That night, I would learn about sisterhood. When I arrived, Amy’s sisters were there. I got the honor of my first extended conversation with Amy’s sister Stephanie. I’d had the privilege of several conversations with Lynell, but not Stephanie. What a blessing was that conversation, as we’d talk about Amy, about God and his curious but beautiful plan, about our saving faith in Jesus, and about her daughters that were quickly growing in love with the Lord. Amy’s sisters left and Melissa and I settled in for the night. About 2AM, Amy awoke. We had been reading scripture and praying as she slept. By this point, Amy’s speech had become very difficult to understand, but through God’s grace, we got almost a half an hour long conversation with her. We talked about heaven. We teased her that it would be easy to find her when we arrived, because she’d be living in this big jeweled mansion on the hill. She actually chuckled and kept saying “you guys are funny!” We were blown away by the blessing of being able to talk and laugh again with our friend. The three of us prayed together. Amy drifted back off to sleep and Mel and I got some more hours to catch up and even colored Easter eggs at 6AM! Yes, the love of a sister is magnificent, but there are some friends who are as close as sisters.

April 11th: I went to Amy’s for a few hours to help out. Her dad (Gary) and step mom (Deb) were there. At one point Amy wanted to get up and walk around. She was pretty tottery at this point, so it wasn’t the best idea, but she was determined. We had our last argument that day, ha, ha. I kept my hands on her to stabilizer her and she kept pushing me off. She kept yelling “You guys! You guys! Stop!” I argued back “Amy, you can get as mad at me as you want, but I refuse to let you fall.” I actually loved that exchange. She was still spunky. She was still stubborn. I respect few more than Amy, but ladies and gentlemen, ha, ha, she was not perfect. I was so pleased that day to see her whole personality, the good and bad. My friend was still in there.

April 12th/13th: Its was Easter. We honestly didn’t believe Amy would make it until Easter, because her decline had been so rapid. But she was still with us. I’d made her a mix and included “Stronger” by Hillsong that I’d heard in church that morning. It also had many other songs about heaven. For almost each song, she’d mutter “I like this song”. We’d already said all our goodbyes and were now only waiting. We wanted the best for Amy and suffering wasn’t it. As hard as it was, several days before we told her it was ok to go. We did that again that night as she struggled. We often didn’t know what else to do or say. Holly, Susan, and I would spend the night reading scripture to Amy… and playing the mix. I learned that night about the power of the Holy Spirit. When we didn’t know what to pray, he’d fill our heads with words. When we didn’t know what to do, he’d prompt us to tell us what she needed. He’d bring us all the right scripture and all the right songs. More than once over the next week, I’d sing the refrain to Stronger to Amy. I’d only find out at her funeral that it was one of her favorites.

April 14th: During the last month, I’d had the tremendous blessing of getting to know Amy’s mom (Carol) and step-dad (Tom). They are truly amazing people. As there was less I could do for Amy, my focus begin to shift to getting to know, encouraging, and serving them. I began to stop by each night after work to give them a bit of a break. We shared tears and laughs. Those times too, though shorter, still held amazing blessing and learning from Amy. This night struck me particularly, as while Amy napped, I began reading her bible. I’d notice things underlined, circled, notes in margins. I read them all and learned about the passage more deeply from my friend. You see, our friendship began and ended with her as my bible study teacher. That night, I continued to learn from her, even as she slept. We often read Amy cards and letters she’d receive. I remember one especially that talked about Amy’s character. It was beautiful and a perfect description of who Amy was. The letter read: “You are the woman of God that you are, because you truly hide the Word of God in your heart.” Yes, that is the formula. We all looked up to Amy so much. But it was a simple formula. She studied His Word. She memorized it. She treasured it. She applied it. Oh, that her legacy would continue to grow in me.

April 16th/17th: We didn’t sleep much when doing overnights. Fortunately, as we’d begun to pair up, it afforded us at least naps here and there. I slept early and then took the wee hours. Though when Amy was awake, she was quite alert and lucid, it was hard for us to understand her speech as her muscle tone faded. We had to learn a new language by listening new ways. Oh – If only we were always so alert, as to hear each other in so many ways. This was an especially scary night, as it was clear the time was near, and I had to listen better. Her breathing was labored. She seemed more and more uncomfortable. I tried everything. At one point though, as any sick child, I could make out that she just wanted her mom. I woke Carol and Tom. I learned about the love of a mother than night. Carol had for months given so selflessly to her eldest daughter. I offered to sneak out and give the three of them time together, but I was graciously invited to stay. Together the three of us sat with Amy, praying, comforting. I watched the interaction between mother and daughter, filled with such love and beauty. Amy was almost home.

When I left that morning, I said goodbye for the last time. I knew she’d leave soon and I was off to visit family for a few days. I told her I loved her and if she had to go before I returned, that I’d see her in heaven. Amy passed later that evening, with her family beside her as it should be.

I don’t know why God chose me for the privilege of walking this final road with our dear Amy. There were certainly friends that had known her longer and far better. I don’t know why I got the honor of knowing her family so closely and sharing this difficult time with them. But I did and I’m thankful.

There are some callings in life, that are so hard, but these will bless you far the most. You see, Amy and I had been friends for years, but only rekindled a close friendship a few months before her diagnosis. God was clearly calling me to play a significant role in her life (all of the little messages to this would take too long to write). I actually resisted this call when she was first diagnosed, as I was struggling with huge abandonment issues. I asked God why he would call me to walk so closely with someone I was so likely to lose. But his plan was so perfect and he’d heal me of that through this. I am thankful now every day for the time I had with Amy, even the hardest days. I’m so thankful for being able to serve her family and many of you through this. Know though, that it was always God, through this little empty vessel. It was his plan, his strength, his grace. I thank him for trusting and equipping me to walk this beautiful woman right into his arms and love and be loved by so many of you in the process.

May God’s peace and blessings continue to shower over you as you remember Amy today. Happy Birthday my sweet friend.

What is Your Tomorrow?

This post I originally posted on Facebook but not in here for a few reasons. But I think it now may lend comfort to some of you that haven’t read it in the past. And provide some challenge. It was written in October 2008, right after the completion of my friend Amy’s first round of chemotherapy (Amy passed away last week) and the murder of another friend, Gini Orange….
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The past six months have been emotionally draining. I found out in June, that one of my most precious friends has a very aggressive cancer. I used to work in a cancer center. I hold no naivete about this disease. I know far too much. Even now, I’m paid to have the mind of a clinician mixed with the practical planning of a business woman. Yet I am also a Christian, who believes that God is all powerful and can heal, if he chooses. He loves my friend. He will heal her if that’s within his plan. But if it glorifies him more, meaning that it will, even in its tragedy, be of greater benefit to others and show him (God) to be bigger, he will take her. This balance… between the realities of cancer, a hope in God, and a willingness to trust and be ok no matter what happens, is a 24/7 job, which has often thrown me off kilter.

More than once, I’ve found myself deeply grieving so many things. We don’t just grieve death, but also change that is hard, and plans, dreams shattered. I don’t fear death… and I’ll talk about why later… but I do fear, or become greatly saddened, by changes in relationships, health statuses, and loss.

About a month ago I found myself very sad. I had so many questions for God, too much uncertainty.

As tears subsided, God spoke gently to me: “I need you to live in today. Stop thinking so hard on the future, what may or may not be. You have no idea what time she does or does not have. And frankly, you don’t even know how much time you do or don’t have. Live today in such a way, that you savor each moment you have with each person you love, whether they, or you, have months or years. Live to leave a legacy – here on earth and one that lasts eternal.”

It made sense. I vowed to do that. It was true; I could just as easily be taken up very soon.

What I didn’t know at the time, was what would happen just four short days later. On Facebook, I began to watch statuses change. Something horrible had happened. My friend, Gini, had been murdered. There was no notice. There was no time for last minute preparations or even goodbyes. It just happened. She was gone.

It could be any one of us… to get cancer, to be murdered, to be in a terrible traffic accident. None of us are immune. Each of us has to face the reality of our mortality. You don’t know your tomorrow.

What if you have no tomorrow? What if one you love doesn’t? Are you eternally ready?

We try to live our lives full of philosophy, big ideas, trying to do what feels good and makes sense in the moment. We try to piece together finite understandings of infinite knowledge. In the end though, we’re left with just three questions: Did I love? Did I make a difference? And where am I going now?

The first two are obvious, so I won’t go deeper on them here. But the question of where we will spend eternity is real, no matter how much we try to avoid it. Even outside of Christianity, most people believe in some sort of afterlife. The only difference is what one believes are the details (Heaven? Hell? How do I get to the good place and not the bad?!). At some point in our lives, while we still live, we have to ask three other questions: Who is God? Who is Christ? And what’s the deal with eternity?

I believe in God, who exhibits himself in three persons: The Father, the Son (Christ), and the Holy Spirit.
• God the Father made the heavens and the earth. He existed before time and transcends all time and space. He is all powerful and all knowing, beyond our understanding, and yet wants a personal relationship with us. He’s not some far off God that started the world and walked away. He wants to walk with us each day.
• Jesus Christ, his one and only true son, was born of a virgin. He was God incarnate, the human person with eternal power. He was simultaneously God and man. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God – his desire for us, his plans. As a perfect, holy, and righteous God, we cannot encounter him of our own merit. We will never be perfect enough to mingle with perfection. However, God created this amazing way out, through a physical and spiritual sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He died on the cross for our sins, reconciling all who believe to the Father. The difference between him and other religious figures is that he died, and yet on the third day, rose from the dead. He was proven clinically and completely dead and buried in a tomb, yet appeared to hundreds days later, in physical form (not ghostly). The tomb was empty. These people would testify to his death and many would be martyred for speaking of it.
• The Holy Spirit was then sent, to live in us, those who believe. He is a continuous guide, our counselor, who leads us into all understanding. There are spiritually things we never could even imagine while we were blind to Christ. But once we confessed our sins and accepted the gift of salvation, we were filled with the essence of God and can live in this world, no matter how hard it is, by his strength and in his love. He shows us how to live as Christ, using gifts he gives.

Why do I write all this? Those of you who believe are shaking your heads in agreement. I hope you in boldness share this same message with those you love. Those of you know don’t, think I’m off my rocker and that’s ok. If you’re reading this, I count you a friend and want you to know this. I want you to know what I’ve found in this amazing Savior of mine. He is real. More real than anything I’ve ever known. He is no crutch. Living life for him is HARD. But I believe him to be truth, the Messiah. I believe not just out of emotion – but with every bit of my ivy-league mind!

If God takes me tonight, I know I have a home in Heaven. I’ll be with Gini. I’ll be with many others I’ve loved and lost who knew Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior and asked him to take the penalty for their sins. I don’t have to fear death, because I know this. I can focus on living my life. And yet, I do worry for others, because if I’m right on this, those who don’t believe, who haven’t accepted him, don’t have this same guarantee. Being a good or enlightened person isn’t enough. Jesus says: “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, but through me.” (John 14:6) That’s pretty direct. And a wise man, a prophet, or a good historical figure doesn’t say that… unless it’s true. Otherwise, he’s a liar or a madman. Jesus can’t claim that power and be just a good guy.

We are all called to decision. We must decide if we believe Jesus is who he says he is and accept his gift on the cross to cover our sins… or reject it, and pay that penalty ourselves for all eternity. If you haven’t said yes… you’ve said no. It’s humbling to say yes. It means a constant decision to put aside self. We have to yield to a god other than ourselves. But oh… it’s so worth it, in this life and for the next. What God has done in and through me blows my mind.

I expect those of you that disagree have long tuned out and may even be irritated at my directness. “Who does she think she is? Stupid brain-washed girl!” Or you might be saying “I just don’t believe it” or “That’s very nice, but I don’t need it.” But if you’re still here… if you’ve ever had any respect in me as an intelligent being, if you’ve ever been touched by my big heart, give it a chance, maybe another chance if you have before, and learn a bit more. Death and eternity are never as real as when you’ve just gone to a funeral.

“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.” Psalm 34:8

Thanks for reading…